The Exception For Everything's LiveJournal

Time:

11:20 am.

i can't decide how i feel about my life. i'm not sure if i'm attracted to the right things or not. i don't wanna be left on repeat. if i didn't respect all the shit my savior went through i'd prolly let myself have an episode..

my hair is wet and smells good but it's cold. my stomach hurts very badly. cramps and what not. i'm drinking a pound of fruit packed with vitamin b. supposedly i start a job today but i can't wake my ride so who knows huh?

i can't wait for my vitamins to get here. i can't eat or talk very much cuz my esophagus is scarred. which is kinda cool. it'd make a good excuse to disappear for awhile. but that's all i ever do.

what matters most? the way you treat others. whether we all collectively make up God or if he exists outside our subconscious, the purpose is the same. am i supposed to care enough to make up for all the ones that don't? yes.

one hell of a catch-up. being so far away makes me all the more tired.

never doing the one thing i should. the one thing that makes all of life easier. just.... obey.

for the way i've been trained, you'd think i'd be different. you'd think i hate myself more. i would be if i hadn't retreated inside myself and found others to take care of me instead. there's lots here to always guarantee the good in me.. maybe too many.. and maybe that's why i think too muhch of myself.

wake me up so i can be awake to wake you up.

fuck that.

i'm painting.

Dissipations: Piss On Me.

Subject:	strange brew, do what's inside of you
Time:	11:57 am.

been having some strange dreams lately.
yesterday i dreamt i was a hermaphrodite but that it was normal to have both parts. at the end of my dream the world had convinced me i was a freak and i was crying.

then i had a dream that i was running and angelina jolie was behind me, checking my ass out.

in fact, a lot of my dreams were focused on how great my ass looks now.

the last dream was about Shan. I havent talked to Shan in YEARS. Like maybe 5 years. We were communicating about drugs i'm sure.. but which drugs was never expressed. A lot was in code.. but it wasn't a code i was familiar with. He had faxed me a note to meet him at The Wind(something) Inn off of 45. I don't remember the room number.. but he gave me weird instructions instead of knocking.. to "march" past the room, rubbing a rag dipped in gasoline on the wall. I wasnt going to do such foolishness.. but i saw some kid do it first. And just followed him in. There were lots of people in there. I found Shan first before introducing myself. He was using code again. I asked him to introduce me to his friends. For some reason i had a British accent and i couldnt shake it. He introduced me to one, .. Paul. Everyone else had left.

i havent had dreams that i remember in a long time.. but maybe thats cuz since i've been sick, i've been sleeping a whole lot more..?

but anywho. i only got on lj today to find an email address of an old friend. i have an apology for him. so if you'll excuse me...

Dissipations: Read 2 or Piss On Me.

Time:	3:44 am.
Mood:	jubilant.
Music:	white zombie - blood, milk & sky.

i found my ode to being lost.
i'm snorting it off my compact's mirror
with a 5 dollar bill.
i'm covered in expensive snot.
couldn't help but sneeze.
listening to white zombie.
i bought a treadmill.
it will be here in a few days.
things will be good for me a year from now.
eyehategod is going to be my new favorite band.
had to clean up the other room
so i could move the drums in there
so i could move the treadmill in here.
i came across a gazillion posters.
they hurt to throw away.
i saved 6.
an al pacino/godfather poster, tool poster, tkk sexplosion poster, crisis promotional poster for the hollowing, crypotpsy promotional poster for whisper supremacy and some soad thing.
they are really adding to my "enviroment".
my simviroment.
i needa be dancing right now or something..
but i think i'm gonna do situps or lift some weights instead.
i would do the treadmill method
but it's not here yet.
okay. goodbuh.
i'm going to be 15 again soon!

Dissipations: Read 1 or Piss On Me.

Subject:	my poor puppy
Time:	12:53 am.

i am so pissed off.
from the beginning...

my dad bribed me with a new car, one that would be better than the one i already had, if i would evacuate florida from hurricane frances. I ended up trading my 96 pontiac sunfire that had never broke down for my mom's 88 cadillac el dorado that has broken down 4 times in the last month. And in doing so, we essentially lost our jobs from missing work.. cuz somehow mandatory evacuations from natural disasters are not excused.

So we come back here, the only other place i know. And i'm getting just enuff help to keep me held down, if that makes any sense. It's like being a teenager all over again except this time i'm not getting the fuck beat out of me. My dad is a tricky person. You must do everything his way or else you are disowned basically. He's never really loved me, i don't think ya know? The only kid of his he ever really loved was his daughter from his first marriage. She's perfect. And the only reason she turned out perfect was because she ran away at the age of 7 and never looked back.

My dad's helped me out a lot though. He's moved us down here and paid off my warrants and got us legal. I have to pay it all back, but still, he's helped me out more than anyone else in my life. I am not ungrateful, i'm just sick of the strings attached.
He tells me shit i already know all the time. I'm on the right track already ya know? I've been an adult for awhile now. And if i hadn't fell for his fucking bribe i wouldn't be depending on him now. Ya see? It's like i really am moving backward.

My dad tells me i need to go to skool.. that he'll even pay for it. Now i remember this shit back from my senior year in college. I remember getting the scholarship for The Art Institute of Houston and i remember him telling me i could not go to "THAT" college while living under his roof. Now, these a days he tells me that he doesn't want me going to any universities or community colleges.. and any other schools (ie remington, nit, texas skool of bizness) are all SCAMS. Everytime i'm looking at getting an apartment, he says something shitty about me and it..

I don't know if he's trying to hold me down because he doesn't want me leaving of if he's holding me down so that he can always have control over me. So he can always have someone he can blame. I'm his fat lil scapegoat.

He won't let my puppy stay inside. My puppy was an indoor dog back at our house in Florida. He's potty trained, well behaved, and is on Advantage- so no fleas. He won't chew on anything unless you physically hand it to him and give him the command "okay". But my dad still won't let him inside. It's fucking cold outside. And he's gotta cold i know, cuz his eyes are all dischargy. And Tom went out there now to check on his food and water and he was limping. I think he got his lead wrapped around his leg and pulled a tendon or something. I'm hopin he'll be okay. I hate people who hate pit bulls.

And lately my dad has been tryin to start shit with me after he gets high..
which speakin of.. let me find a poem i wrote a long time ago..
well i guess it's not really a poem. but i wrote it when it 12:10Am on September 13, 1999... making me 17 i guess. and yeah you can laugh at it. i don't care.

Daddy Only Hurts Me When He's High.

she hates to hurt, but she's learned to love it.
blood loss has become a routine thing.
and afterwards...
he asks her what SHE'S done!
she just stands there; immobile and silent.
quivering in fear,
sputtering out breaths like some..
tortured creature hides in the shadows of a fist-
strikes down before eyelids open
does it make him feel macho?
why does he fuckin do this?
does it make him feel better?
WHAT THE HELL?
JUST PLEASE TAKE ME OUT OF THE PAIN.

I KNOW A WAY, BUT THERE IS A PRICE
TO ESCAPE THE PAIN CAUSED TO HER
THERE WILL BE PAIN CAUSED TO OTHERS
AND THEY CALL THIS THE "EASY WAY OUT"?

Dissipations: Read 2 or Piss On Me.

Subject:	man! fucking... man!
Time:	1:29 pm.

you know.. my friends and i sometimes talk about the shitty way the scene is going.. how.. like our favorite bands have split up or sold out.. like infernal dominion and cephalic carnage. And one thing we've always relied on... was SKINLESS.. but not anyfuckingmore..

the vocalist of skinless, SHERWOOD WEBER is fucking leaving the band.
i seriously hope that don't go to shit. i hope they still keep shit groovy. i am very fucking sad. this really fucking sucks..

as a positive...
my dad gave me a grand to get legal with.
somehow my state warrant just disafuckingpeared
so i only had to pay 2-fitty for the harris county
and i got a 6 month policy for my car.. $500
so i have enuff prolly to get my texas drivers licence (tom too)
and get the title to my car in my name and registered and all.

we also bought a wireless router for our computer
so we can have the internet too..
fantastic.

and i tracked down some damprid so i can finally take care of my shroomage.
all is going well so praise GOD!

~if God brings you to it.. He will bring you through it
Happy moments- Praise God
Difficult moments- Seek God
Quiet moments- Worship God
Painful moments- Trust God
Every moment- Thank God

Dissipations: Read 8 or Piss On Me.

Subject:	my evolution as an aspiring christian
Time:	4:01 pm.

quicksand quickly catching up to me.
i hate that cage.
with its due dates and its standards.
so the plan was set.
i gotta get outta here!

devil kisses me with failure.
tongue licks at my ears with confusion.
whispers self-doubt and suicide.
dismantle the whore.
never let her kiss the sisters.. that sweet trinity.
but tom did steal her away from me.
i'm fine,.. just gotta keep the faith.

i got butterflies in my chest
dancing around anxiety and nervousness.
i'm both excited and scared.
again, this is starting over for me.
just another ship to sail i guess.

he's getting the uhaul right now.
load up and clean tonight.
tomorrow we leave.
car is still broke down.

good news is that my cuzins dont sound cracked out anymore.
they got themselves a job and a house in mississippi.
imah try and visit them...
and my friend, cousin, and "lil brother" in louisianna.

and my amazons are growing nicely. almost ready to birth. and as soon as that happens.. i'll start learning with the golden teacher.

Dissipations: Piss On Me.

Subject:	i can't do anything right today.
Time:	7:49 am.

some kind of bug bit me on saturday after work.
i was sitting in the same place i am now.. and all of a sudden i felt something sting or bite my elbow.
there were two bumps and they were itchy.
later they became blisters.
i tried to pop them
and it only hurt and nothing happened.
now it's fucking painful, red and swollen.
i have a fever, i know because my eyes burn.

our emo waiter last night at olive garden informed us of this place now hiring. it's the same place stumphanie works. 3 bucks more an hour.

i almost quit my job everyday.

to not get fired.. i must bring in a doctor's not tomorrow for going home early today. after i pick up tom from work, we will go to the hospital. i don't want them cut or inject me. i just want some antibiotics and pain fucking killers.

sooo.. my relationship.

i keep this journal type thing with me at work to write about stuff i'm thinking about. i usually write out of anger. but i tell this journal all my secrets. it's what straightens out my head..

so i argue with myself about leaving tom or staying with tom.. all the time..
i made a list of all the reasons why i shouldn't leave him now.. and my plan was to take care of all those things.. and when the time comes.. i wouldn't have any excuses whether or not i should go.

so last night we had a talk. and it hurt and we both cried. and things almost ended. but a lot of things came out that needed to be said. and i'm not sure if it's making us stronger or weaker.

the things on this list of mine.. were to get a new car and an education and to lose weight.. so i wouldn't be coming home a loser..
and to also pay off all our bills cuz i would feel shitty leaving tom with all of them.. especially since they are all in his name.

so i'm going to continue with this plan anyways.
who knows?

it's so much easier to blame one person for all your problems than it is to accept that the problem is with yourself.
everything on my list are things i NEED to do and things that would make me HAPPY. things that are holding me back in life.

maybe if i accomplish all this stuff.. i'll find that i could have been happy all along.

so until the list is completed.. tom and i are here to support each other and help each other out. more communication hopefully too.
and then from there.. we'll make our decisions.

so i guess i'm taking a break from investing into my marriage.. and i'm going to be investing more in myself.

by the way i'm deleting this journal.

Dissipations: Read 5 or Piss On Me.

Subject:	things that make you go hmm
Time:	9:07 pm.
Mood:	flirty.
Music:	super bad girl.

doctor's today. have normal blood pressure now. went from 150 over 100 to 124 over 80. and i lost 7 lbs so that's good. PLUSSSSS.. i picked up a lot of piercing jobs while i was out.. 2 eyebrows, a bellybutton and a pair of nips. Fantastic!

and Mancho came over tonight. that was cool. he's leavin town again soon tho so we're gonna hang out prolly manana con sus hermanos.

tom's cousin is gettin married so we gotta fly to her wedding. and we don't have to pay for plane tickets. arrr. which means i gotta find a dress before october.

we found that giving the dog a beer calms him the fuck out.. plus he likes when you feed him baby oragel. cutey.

what else? i needa call Aida. it's been awhile. My phone's been bein a piece of shit. I hope Nikki can babysit our animals while we're in Kansas.

everyone and their momma wants to be our roomate now. too bad. i like my privacy. shawn hasn't moved in yet so that's cool.

god i'm fucking sexy. okay goodbuh

whats up with lucifiera eatin my ass?

Dissipations: Read 2 or Piss On Me.

Time:	10:26 pm.
Mood:	flirty.
Music:	super bad girl.

there are smudges on my glasses.
bladder is full of piss.
i got pus-y eyebrows.
the keg is finally empty.
so is the bag.
my hair has cool lighting.

i feel things are possible.
just seen a commercial for the cirque de soliel.
i didn't know it was pronounced like that.
speaking of languages.. i have to learn italian.
i'd like to know italian and latin.

i'd like to find me a swami pedal..
do they still make those??
i like keith james.
athens made me twenty-five bucks richer.

the washateria serial killa.
i scared glenda.
quarters do her laundry.

i need big bean bag chairs.
i found my cream cd.
i love cream.
tomorrow is cream day in the car.
thursday- led zeppelin.

some guy was talking about why the new dawn of the dead movie isn't on video or whatever yet...
i remember paying a little bit of attention, but due to my inebriation,.. i lost even that.

super rare steak.
like i said,.. empty bag.
what's wrong with taking a dead person's wallet..

oh yeah.. i guess i better talk about the party.
the party. there were only 15 people but it was alright. didn't end til the king of the party, james, went home... 5pm the next day.
we had fun. and took fun pictures. mother father!

italian makes me hott.

Dissipations: Piss On Me.

Time:

11:45 pm.

yeah so.. at work i hear that charley moved to a categorie 4.. and we all got sent home at 2.

so i'm thinkin cool.. we can get a head start on fixin shit up for the big party tonight. went to bjs to get batteries (for lights and music if the power should go out...) walmart was more packed than a fiber-filled anus. fukkin a. bought party necessities.

then went to albertson's.. which i will now boycott for the rest of my fucking life. we got a keg reserved yesterday.. and then when we go to pick the fucker up.. albertson's is closed and boarded up. WHAT THE FUCK? it wasn't even raining ya know?

i was soooo pissed. so yeah.

but stumphanie came over so that was cool. she'll be back over tomorrow for the party.. along with glenda, rhonda, and tiffany. i don't know if tom's friends will be able to make it.. everyone had plans for tonight ya know? sucks.

i'm just worried about wasted beer. i'm not really a big partier or drinker.. not as much as i was when i was younger anyways.. i just don't want wasted beer. ha. so i invited strangers.

strangers are good. i miss strangers.

when i got home.. i had found that my puppy ate and ripped to shreds some really important family heirlooms. i beat the shit out of him and left him out in the weather for a lil while. then i let him back in. tom was proud of me for not killin him.

god i'm fucking bored.

oh and about my previous duplicated posts.. i aint gonna fuggin delete them.. wasn't my fault. it was due to livejournal's fagginess.
so yeah. deal.

i wish my family and friends back home would stop calling asking me if i was okay..

Dissipations: Read 1 or Piss On Me.

Subject:	not actively seeking knowledge
Time:	6:26 pm.
Mood:	nauseated.
Music:	bongzilla.

god for fucking hell i wish i was not married.
he puts his turn signal on when he's in the turn lane. for fuck's sake everyone knows you're going to turn.. you're in the fucking turn lane? what's the point? this place.. everyone puts their signal on in the turn lane.. everyone puts their signal on when their exiting the free way.. everyone drives under the speed limit.

my stomach has a fever of a 101.
i want to puke. it's burning. just going into the bathroom makes me nauseous. i see the pink splatter stains from the strawberry daquiris i should have never drank.

he pees in the sink also. nothing he does makes sense. i wish i wasnt so fukkin organized. ocd? i can't stand when people do anything inefficiently or illogically. i gotta puke for real.

i am not happy. there's a cute boy at work. he is little. that has nothing to do with these feelings. it just worked itself into my train of thought... because as i think of my feelings of unhappiness.. i think of what used to make me happy.. and it wasn't being tied down to one guy.

i have things to do but i don't feel like doing it.
he's asleep again. that's all he ever does.
i'm sick of him.
i can't stand this shit anymore.

subconsciously i think i provide ways for me to leave easier.

i think my parents wouldnt bug me about getting a job right away if i was upset about a failed marriage. any one of my friends would come pick me up right now if i asked them to. what's stoppin me?

i come to this idea.. where no matter how i look at it.. problems are endless. problems create themselves out of the ashes of a resolution.

things get fixed. things get broken. and so i come to the terms of suicide again.

see my mistake last time was that i took all the sleeping pills at once... and then i puked it all up. what a feeling THAT was. it was almost fun. everything weighed so much. and i kept falling on my face. and i knew if i went to sleep i would die. i asked my husband to keep me awake. he let me fall asleep. amazingly i went to work the next morning. i only remembered making myself puke up the pills 5 times.. he said i did it more. i remember not having the strength to hold up a 2 liter bottle. everywhere i wanted to go (the baffroom) i had to snake.

this time i will take 5 sleeping pills.. that'll be enuff to put me to sleep..
and when i feel them kickin in.. that's when i'll take the rest of them. then by the time regret would be kickin in.. i'll be asleep and there will be nothing to do.

tomorrow is pay day.
buh.

Dissipations: Read 4 or Piss On Me.

Subject:	NEW ROOMATE
Time:	1:23 pm.
Music:	as the reflection slowly fades. goatwhore..

yeah so shawn got kicked out.. gonna live with us i guess. that's an extra $150 a month in my pocket. Gotta clean out the shrooms and guitar equipment and shit. Where the hell is my benchpress and drumkit gonna go?
we have no room here. such a small fuggin house. yeah i don't HAVE the drumkit YET but i wanta get one.. i'd be good if i was just left alone with them with no ears to hear.

the piggy lives on the backporch.

exchanged a tongue piercing for a lawn mowin.. but it's rainin right now. these lil kids bring in a bunch of bizness.

needa call aida, my mom, and mah granny.. and later on robby.

thunder.
waitin for the chicken to defrost.

THERES A MOVIE. called the king of new yark. CHRISTOPHER WALKEN. what a funny lil man that i love. you gotta watch this shit just to hear him say in a high pitched voice.. "i hear dat"... fukkin hilarious.

*sigh*

i wanna do something special.
was 'posed to play pool with tiffers this weekend but i just didn't call her. found my nose studs tho.. maybe i should call her today and see if she wants her nose done and then go play pool? there's still a lil bit of the weekend left.

i hate work. i love money though.

got almost enuff mycelium to give santa a beard.
i'm sitting next to a half empty bottle of astroglide. why?
and why half-empty? that shit should last a lifetime.

i wish i had cable. on sundays the only thing on is real estate infomercials and cooking shows. don't really like the tv. can't touch the people inside.

we woulda had anutha party this weekend.. but i still haven't gotten over the horrible night of the daquiris. almost wanta hate rum forever. it's the second time i'd have to replace our bathroom rugs due to someone's intoxication. they're yellow with pink splatters. goes against our polka dot disco ducky theme.

i like this post so far.
if i add much more i might ruin it.
so BUH.
(sammy doesn't say his w's"
from darkness she ispers to me! lol buh

Dissipations: Read 5 or Piss On Me.

Subject:	i miss strangers
Time:	6:41 pm.

i want to write about the changes in my life.
are they from being married or growing pains.
i'm lifeless and dull. i'm nothing like i was. i miss a lot of everything.

i used to be fun, daring, energetic, spontaneous kelley. now i'm clean the house- work all day- cook dinner- sleep all night no-one girl.

i miss flirting. i miss making out. i miss foreplay. yeah sex is good with my husband.. it's just fucking boring. everything about our life is boring. i can't take it much longer. i wasn't meant for this.

damn i miss my old life in houston.

i miss meeting cool new people all the fucking time.

i miss not having to answer to anyone. i miss being free.
i miss being able to leave the guy i'm with. i miss being not whole heartedly committed.

i miss just me in the car.
i miss getting lost in my own mind.
i miss solitude. man i've never been lonely.. until now.
i have no one to relate to here.

i miss my old apartment. damn those were good times. damn i looked good back then. now here... i'm fucking gross. revert. reverse. fucking rewind.

he's asleep on the couch again. what's new? i tell him all the time how i don't wanna be married anymore.. how this is the worst mistake of my life.. how bored i am. Not to hurt him. Just to be honest. Yeah i love him. Love isn't permanent though. I was never looking for love. I've never been that type. I could care less if i was single. I just always wanted friends and fun. That's all i want now.

I wish i could meet people like my old friends. I wish i could meet people that i shared at least ONE interest with. I wish i was young again.

all this time i've been thinking that i've lost my inspiration.. cuz i haven't been writing 'poems' like i used to. i know what it was that i really lost...

my freedom.

Dissipations: Read 1 or Piss On Me.

Subject:	have a cigar bitch
Time:	9:15 pm.

i pierced my eyebrows out of boredom
mouth on the dick
cowboy sleighshed.
gooey eyes.
5 stringed bangitar
my nose hurts. there's no room in there.
6 gauge septum plus 14 gauge nasallang goin thru.
flesh tunnel.
new earings.
with all this jewelry i can't help but be tempted to pierce something fresh.
people at work love my hair.
it's blonde streaks (instead of pink) over black now.
i have nothing to say besides i'm thirsty.
he's watching kids.
dead pizza boxes splayed out everywhere.
toxic grease dripping off my sporehead. i mean forehead.
my eyes burn. delightful.
i finally painted my toenails.
no more pills to fall asleep to.
keep waking up to a twisted spine.
pick me up by it.
chapped lips stick to you. better.
9 people watched me tonight.
house is messy.
i need to work out tonight cuz my muss kools are so sore.
a beer would taste good.
so would some fukkin ice cream.
nuffin to do.
flo

Dissipations: Read 4 or Piss On Me.

Time:

10:58 am.

I have a disease. My life keeps going downhill and for me to not own up to it.. i fantasize.. i fucking dream up lil plans to make me happy. I get very into them.. every detail. And it's what keeps me happy until the plan crumbles. Well the house plan fell thru so now i got another one.

The thing is.. there's nothing wrong with dreaming. But i want to be following my dreams for the right reason. I don't want to have to need certain things in life to happen to MAKE me happy. I want to be happy on my own, all the time, in everything i do.

You know those times where you're just complaining about everything and in desperation, you scream out your demand for an explanation from God. Just fucking listen. He already knows man. Just listen. And ya know what? ASK him for help. Ask him to help let you pay attention to Him.. to hear him better. Those *good* subtle thoughts that automatically float inside your head.. those *good* ideas that just suddenly appear when you're stuck.. that's HIM talking to ya. Just listen.

It's so fuckin easy. People don't realize it. I never did. Now i do. I heard him talkin to me. Sometimes i just sit there and pray to him for like 15.. 20.. minutes.. He helps me figure out what's wrong when i don't even know. When i'm able to admit my flaws as a person and a worshipper, he's there to put me back on the right path again. Just let go off your ego. Everybody needs help.

For the longest time, i've been prayin for things to happen. Thinking of myself. Trying to reach this goal of happiness. Happiness IS an illusion.. in a sense. GETTING THE THINGS YOU SELFISHLY WANT IN LIFE WILL NOT MAKE YOU PERMANENTLY HAPPY. HAPPINESS IS IN THE FRAME OF MIND YOU GET WITH GOD'S HELP.

I'VE TRIED OTHER WAYS.. MAKING LISTS.. TO ALL MY CLOSE FRIENDS.. YOU FUCKING KNOW HOW MANY LISTS UPON LISTS.. AND OVER ANALYZING I DO.. TO ACHIEVE GOALS. DO I EVER GET ANY HAPPIER WHEN I DO? NO.

I'M TEMPORARILY HAPPY PLANNING OUT MY HAPPINESS. it's always if some big major plan of mine goes right, things will be better? NO.
HAPPINESS IS INTERNAL.. NOT EXTERNAL.. NOT FROM THE SHIT AROUND YOU.. FROM THE GODLY STUFF INSIDE YOU. HE MAKES YOU FEEL GOOD. HE CAN CLEANSE YOU AND TEACH YOU NOT TO BE ANGRY.. NOT TO BE STRESSED.. NOT TO WORRY.. The type of person i was before i started listening.. MAN.

and i'm still on a journey. my goal is to be more like Jesus. WWJD?
Recently, i've been prayin for guidance.. i thought that was a less-selfish request. "GIVE ME GOD! GIVE ME GOD!"...

if you were to be honest with yourself... you know there are so many things you do that aren't right. That isn't the right or Godly thing to do. Give something bad up for God.

I used to think piercing a new spot on my body could take me to the next extreme. There's so many people out there who are out of extremes. WELL SHIT.. SACRIFICING SOME LITTLE SELFISH WAY OF YOURS FOR GOD IS EXTREME. The feeling you get from it. And the more things you sacrifice for God.. the better you start feeling. The more pure you feel. The more you're able to listen to his wisdom. The more you realize how much he helps you. It's amazingly awesome.

I came home way early from work today, crying.. because i couldn't deal with how i'm mistreated and underpaid. I came home and i prayed. I prayed for answers and guidance as usual. The more of my flaws i admitted to.. the more God kept popping the answers into my train of thought. In at the same time of admitting my flaws.. God was also helping me recognize them. He put shit into perspective for me. And i like his view on things. I'd like to always think and act from His point of view.

Today God taught me that long-term happiness comes from changing inside.. not from getting your material wants. WOW. and you know what? Someone could have told me that and probably has... but i've never grasped it until today. It never made sense until God showed me.

People go about getting more out of life the wrong way. Well i've found the way.. and i just wanted to share it with everyone here. I know this prolly isn't the Kelley you've all come to know. But please come know me now. Come know God. He truely does save.

Dissipations: Read 7 or Piss On Me.

Time:

5:29 pm.

i took my wrist piercing out.
before i had a 14 gauge banana in there.. then i switched to a 16 gauge micro curve.. cuz it kept getting caught on shit cuz the balls were huge.

well.. i woke up today and the scar tissue around one of the entries was fukkin huge and puffy.. just like how my tongue looked back in the day when i ripped it xhardcore... so i took it out.. it's gross looking and feeling.

it makes me want to vomit.

i spent part of the day, fantasizing about self-disembowelment by devourment. such a sexy fucking song.. and it shouldn't be. i'm fukkin sick in the head. i masturbate to that fukkin song. sicko.

like that one time.. aiswas and i were at astroworld and that LOL toddler fell and busted her head wide open on the curb. We weren't even 5 feet away and i just busted out laughing. And i feel bad for the parents and for having to deal with me.. but it's still the funniest shit in the world to me. Dark blood swooshing everywhere. was so pretty. and funny..

just like when people die in the movies.

i'm fuckin hungry.
i didn't want to just post those 'quiz' results.. so i forced myself to write a lil extra.

Dissipations: Read 6 or Piss On Me.

Time:	12:27 am.
Mood:	ready for your sex.
Music:	acud bath.

i m so drunk
and i was writing and the comptuer we nt blank
nad tha'ts it
i don't efeel likke wiriting everying over again/

fuck my greammiatical erros lol

so drunk
one mudlslide
3 strawnaughites dauquireies
2 pina coladas

watching acid abatyh dvedd.
bath.
i smell pretty.

i fucking want to be fucked right now so hardcore.
i lo ve fucking.
i want some goddamned fucking sex.
fuck me up the goatass.
fuck me fuck me fuck me fuck me

talked to the landlord toda y.
toalk to him officially on tuesday about buying the house
dream is still in effect.
mvoing back ot houston

goning to louisianna in jan or feb.
party hardy harry .
i kept my promises.

work in 5 hours.

let';s have sex.

cut my throat.

acroos your face
i see what you are
you wanna kill the sky]

and blot out the staers
i know you you're nothging
you're so small
you're fucking nothing
nothing at all

bleeding into the blue

ants in the afterbirth
slugs undre the sun

the sun burns forever

Dissipations: Read 1 or Piss On Me.

Time:

5:03 pm.

i got gravel-sack tits
and iceburg hips
and a reflection in the toilet bowl that doesn't stare back....

but i did lose 4 lbs.

the last of the ferrets will be sold today. so good buh to Suiba, Bara, and Mr. Pocket. speakin of pockets.. 100 bucks in mine.

now we just gotta get rid of Mole, our hairless rat.

still waiting for the motherfucker of a motherfuckin landlord to call us back. We've called him dozens of fucking times. Left two messages sayin we wanted to buy the house... and still no word.

Our fucking house is flooded cuz while the a/c wasn't working.. all that condensation built up and rusted out the drain pan. I don't know if i've already mentioned that. So already we need a brand new central a/c unit and new carpeting. I'm not putting anymore money into this house unless we're buying it.

So if the motherfucker doesn't call back soon.. i'm just gonna get the fuck out of here. I don't care if Tom comes with or not.. i'm not a poppacotti and i refuse to live like one.

overtime again. my boss and his wife are pieces of shit.

my tongue's healed.
just bought some 16 gauge needles so we can pierce Tiffany's nose.
and.. well you know..
still gotta do Rachel's belly. wonder when that'll be.

*fart*

Dissipations: Piss On Me.

Subject:	Tom's baby momma is still obsessed.
Time:	4:20 pm.

So nikki and chris were havin a party over there place. I wanted to go, i just felt real shitty from the night before. I was still hung over and my tummy hurt. So Tom said we'd only stay a couple of hours.. which i would have loved to stay longer.. we need to see them more as it is.. but again with the whole shitty feeling.
So we come over.. with Amber and Shawn, aka the Party-Poopers. And of course, they pooped the party.. and tom and i had to fix things between them... that took awhile. Everythang was fine and we went inside.
The mens of the house started up a game of RISK.. which is a long fukkin game. Tom promised it'd be short. An hour went by from that promise, and they still hadn't even started yet. I waited around thru the end of the movie, The Gate,.. and when this 'short game' was still not finished.. i went inside Amber's bronco cuz i was so fukkin sleepy. We had stayed up til 4am the night before and we usually go to bed around 9pm.. so shit, ya know?
My going to the car was to make a point to Tom.. let him know.. c'mon let's fucking go, i'm fucking tired. He knew it to. He came outside to talk to me. He said it would end soon. I said alright. Then i wait around for another hour. Got outside in the middle of the road even, to try sleeping. Ants and mosquitos put a stop to that tho'. Then i got back into the truck and waited around for more. NOTHING.
So by this time i was pissed and extremely fucking exhausted. So i wrote a note saying.. "Tom, i'm gonna try and find my way home, i can't wait any longer for you to stop being an asshole". Then i started walking in the direction we came.
I was hopin i was goin the right way, cuz this was the first time i'd ever been over there and i didn't pay attention the way there, and again, i wasn't the one driving. So on my way. Three streets later here comes the bronco to pick me up.
I told Tom i was mad at him because he lied to me. He said that we we're only gonna stay over there a coupla hours, and we were there for like 5 hours. He grabbed me by both arms with both of his arms, shook me and said he didn't lie. I started to get teary-eyed because i know what was going to happen. I knew that he was going to go crazy cuz he had been drinking. Thank God Shawn and Amber stayed over or else some shit prolly would've gone down.

The next day Kaleb was s'possed to come over to meet Bully Whoo-Whoo.. but we were out all day and nite with Shawn and Amber.. we were only s'possed to pick up her check and eat breakfast.. but ya know.

okay. i need to write more but i'm going to put it in a diff post.

Dissipations: Piss On Me.

Time:

5:10 pm.

i think i'm hung-over. i don't remember drinking much.

we had a party over here last night.
shawn, amber, and nikki and chris. lee, sparky, greg, and varnell stopped by. me and lee are cool again i guess.
his sister's still a pussy bitch tho.
two nights ago i dreamed that lee and tricia had come over to my house.. but i lived back at my 'rents. i was talkin to lee.. tellin him that i heard he's changed. i asked him about college. he said he had two more years left. but when i asked him what he was goin for.. the sound got cut off.
then i took an onion.. the kind with the green stems.. and started beatin tricia's head with it.. until she fell away crying. then her head had become the onion and there was a hole in her onion/head.
i'm going to kill her one day. if she ever trys me again. pussy bitch. knock on my door then run away.

my tongue hurts. i don't know if i mentioned if i pierced it or not.
i took two stabs at it before i got the balls to punch thru. and even then, i only got a little bit of the needle thru the bottom side. for 15 minutes i sat in front of the mirror tryna to push it the rest of the way thru.. but my hands were shaky cuz i hadn't eaten.
i finally knocked on the back door for tom to come inside. i told him to push slowly. mistake. immediately, my whole right side of my face burned painfully. i got myself together and told him to just go for it. and then it was thru and everything was fine. i hate 12 gauge needles.

made lamb kabobs last night. they're all gone. we still got beer tho. so we're gonna bring that over to nikki and chris's party tonight.

i'm so sleepy.

that movie, the secret window, sucked ass hardcore. johnny depp has nice hair in it though. i love his jaw muscles. his beard hairs grow in perfectly.

"there's a man at work who looks like The Grendel and smells of blueberries." i've been meaning to write that for awhile now.

tom gave me a tarot reading last night. and this is what it said:
i'm depressed because i'm married and i will continue being depressed for the rest of my life as long as i'm married.

brad won't talk to me anymore. i don't know what i did. or what i didn't to. aida's bday is in a week and i still haven't finished her painting.

been feeling a lack of inspiration lately. always. 'cept for brief spurts.

my enviroment feels old. like everything around me is the same. like it's all been done. i feel dull. like a fuckin dead leaf. not bright with autumn anymore. just dead, dried up, and rollin with the wind.
and no. it's not time for poetry. just fucking feelings.

i'm inpatient for my life to get better. i want what i want right now. problem is... it's getting harder and harder for me to know what i want anymore. everything disgusts me. wipe the disease that is the world off my mind. and my ass.

maybe i should kill myself. i know my dreams are insight. but if everything's not gonna go down perfect.. i don't want them to happen at all. crazy 8's.

Dissipations: Read 2 or Piss On Me.

Time:

7:13 pm.

we got a 2 month old baby pot bellied pig. His name is Bully Whoo-Whoo and he hates onions and loves tomatoes. oh. and he's potty trained.

we're still tryin to sell our ferrets. we got 3 left.

i want to get high so badly. i miss it.

i just got off the phone with my cuzin Jennifer in Houston. Coincidentally she's friends with some dude i met in Santa Fe over at Shreffa's house. He says i'm hot. ha. i think i was rollin when i met him. I also think i remember him being an asshole. I'm not sure.
Santa Fe and Houston. Two fucking places i love and miss. I love and miss my life there too.

i looked hot today.
my hair is brownish-black and i have bangs, right? Well i woke up late today for work so i didn't brush it. When i don't brush my hair, it's curly at the ends. So i threw it up in pigtails.. slapped on some red lipstick and black eyeliner.. and man i was fuckin hot.
me and my perfect eyebrows.

aida's bday is just around the corner and i need to finish her painting. i either don't feel like it or i just don't have the time.
Now that i'm back again working for Visual Networks, i'm gettin in elevan hours a day. And working both days on the weekend. Paycheck after next should be good.

We got business cards made up for Tom's mobile piercing bizness.. and a whole bunch of new jewelry too. yum. i put some black spikes in my face and now i look sexy. With all this jewelry, the temptation to pierce myself again is high.

a mosquito bit me on my cheek.

this journal makes me feel so exposed. i'm exposed to so many people i really don't give a fuck about. i've either not met them, lost touch,... i just don't have time to have any sort of social life.
but because i've lost touch tho', i feel like i shouldn't write my heart out anymore. but just like i don't read others' journals, they prolly don't read mine. i've just been feeling like getting a different journal.

i have a dearbestfriend one opened up. it's just empty. maybe that would be a good start. is it time to kill cheeriebomb? it'd be so weird. it'd be like killing a part of my life and realizing i'm starting a new chapter in it. But i'm so attached to my past. I miss it so much. Have i become so different that it's time to just move on from what i was? growing pains man.

i've been on the south beach diet. i fucking hate it. my doctor recommended it to me cuz of my high blood pressure. i'm now officially on prescription for it. She said not to eat breads and pastas. I said i'm fucking italian. what the fuck ya know?

So we went down to walmart and bought all the food for this diet. Everything in my fucking cart was green except a bag of chicken breasts. The recipes for veggies on this diet are so fuckin nasty. Steamed veggies are so fucking gross. So are sesame seeds. I don't see how Asians deal with that shit man, ya know?

Tom's next door tryin to score some pot. I know i made a promise to God. And that i'm being used by the devil. He's tempting me. But i just wanna get high. I need Brad to tell me why.
I need to finish his painting too. I love my Brad.

Hmm. i just noticed that this is an unusally long post. Could it be because Tom's not over my shoulder watching every typestroke?

so many fucking bills.

my shrooms. 3 out of the 6 jars are doin good. I moved them today by the window so that they could get more light. Maybe that's the problem.

I was thinking of havin already-grown shrooms shipped here by my friend.. and to start sellin them.

just got word that our old nigger roomate, Lee is a whole different person. I hear he's in a serious relationship and that he's in fucking college and he quit getting stoned. fucking fantastic right? bout time he grew up and started being a real person. just wish the rest of his family had the same luck. i guess it'd be unfair to hate him now. it'd made me happy to hear that shit. explain to me that.

hopefully tom will be getting promoted soon.. and once he gets promoted.. hopefully he can get me promoted.. and we can stop working so fucking damn much ya know? i wanna hurry up and get our bills paid off.. and then buy this house... so we can eventually sell this fucker and move back to Houston.

tryna to get a hold of nikki and chris too. we hung out with them friday nite.. saw farhenheit 911.. on them too. (we're broke). I'm glad they live so fucking close now.

i can't wait to change my life too.
i need to start making better decisions.
today i made a conscious effort to not be a bitch to my husband.
i've been extra-sweet and he has noticed.
i'd like to keep this up.
he's so good to me.

Dissipations: Read 2 or Piss On Me.

Subject:	i gotta get the fuck out of here.
Time:	6:11 pm.
Mood:	fucking motivated.
Music:	the black hole.

my throat is bleeding.

i think i'm going to sell everything i got and leave this shithole state of florida.

our house has no air conditioning and is covered in flies or the guts of flies.

i'm sick of living this way. i've never lived like this before. it's sickening.

i'm hoping my car hasn't been reported as stolen.

i need to save up enuff money to put a down payment on some crappy car and get my texas warrants paid off. and to of course move the fuck out of here.

should i just set my car on fire or something and rent a uhaul?
cuz we got a lot of shit.

then we'd drive back to texas.
hopefully my parents would let me live there for awhile until we got our own place and shit.
i know carlos could probably hook me up with a job and shit.

we'd buy some piece of shit car.

i gotta get the fuck out of here.
i don't know what else to do.
i'm sick of not being happy, and it's up to me to change that.
i'm really sick of not being happy.
i'm sick of all the fuckheads i'm around constantly.
everyone here is a fucking loser or is fucking stoopid. or is a fucking psycho. or all three, how 'bout that.

not like people aren't like that all over... but it's more severe here.

i was late to work today. one hour and 15 minutes late. i woke up at the exact moment i was s'possed to clock in. my alarm didn't go off. the only reason why i awoke at all is because i realized the dream i was having was becoming too vivid for the allotted time. i don't know how to spell allotted, and i'm not going to look it up either.

i needa sell our four ferrets.
i hate our bed, so we wouldn't be taking that with us.
microwave, computers, tvs and shit, bookshelves.
we ain't got much clothes.
everything else that we own has sorta lost it's sentimental value.
so we can chunk just about everything.

THINGS THAT HAVE ME STRESSED OUT:
my illegal car
my crappy low-paying job
the people here

so.. in moving.. i'd make sure i could afford a new car first.. i already have a job set up.. and i love my houston peoples.
problem solved.
new goal.

1)sell everything
2)get tom's license reinstated
3)pay off my warrants
4)save money
5)dump my car
6)change address
7)pack up and go

Dissipations: Piss On Me.

Time:	5:37 pm.
Music:	dr hook- freakin at the freakers ball.

i love my blood pressure medicine. it's so badass.
starts workin in like 10 minutes and i can actually feel my heart slow down. almost like being on.. uhm.. drugs. ha.

why i sleep all day and i start to complain that there's no rain.
i'm jammin. sorry.

i've been so fucking hyper all day because i went off my water diet and actually had a sprite. bouncin off da walls fucking hyper.

i washed some dishes and folded clothes.. and my hubby's cookin steak and then we're gonna watch an evening with Kevin Smith.

i keep getting compliments on my hair. everyone says me with bangs makes me look innocent. haha.

i sent my greasy ole granny a birthday gift from 1800flowers.com.
needa get my daddy a card for father's day.
and you know what i'd really like?
a fuckin working air conditioner.

lost 13lbs.

cmon babies grease your lips
grab your hats and swang your hips
and don't forget to bring your whips
we're goin to tha freakers' ball.

Dissipations: Read 3 or Piss On Me.

Subject:	fun day
Time:	4:09 pm.
Music:	cephalic carnage.

so i went to the emergency room for my 'chest pains'.
i don't have diabets, but may be anemic.
and i might also have a blood clot that has spread to my lungs.
So to find out.. they put this 'x-ray dye' into my iv and put me thru a catscan. The dye makes your whole body feel warm. It felt so good.. like i was on drugs. Especially the hot sensation in my cunt. omigod. yum. Anywhos.. but my iv exploded during the test and the dye got all over my face, gown and hair. So they didn't finish the test and just sent me home anyways. Fantastic.
I got a dr's appointment on wednesday tho.

in other news.. i cut my bangs. they're short and cute now. i also bought some reddish brown hair dye, and now i'm debatin' on whether or not to use it. The way i had my hair before.. it's black with two blonde chunks on the sides. Now that i have bangs.. It's all black except for my bangs which now look highlighted.. and there's tiny strands of blonde framing my face. looks pretty badass. But i dunno.

Doc also said to quit the diet i'm on. i wonder how much i weigh though. I came in with my blood pressure being 146 over whatever.. and while i was there.. i went all the way down to 120.

Doc said i'm too young to have high blood pressure.. that it's impossible. Bullshit. fucking bullshit. He also said it was impossible to have angina. Bitch i know i got angina and if it was impossible.. it wouldn't have been on my printout as a possibility.
He said i most likely have heartburn that causes my heart to spasm. I don't have heartburn. if i had it, i think i'd know it and feel it.

i'm so thirsty. now my tonsils are swollen.
only worked 4 hours today.
can't wait to be clean.

imah lay down and have my husband bring me something to drink.
then i guess we're gonna go back out for some groceries and gas.
come back home. get drunk and watch a movie.

i saw cast away for the first time last night.
that movie pissed me off.
only four fucking years went by and that whore already was married and had a kid. Didn't waste no fucking time did she? And to make matters worse.. then she cheated on her husband. Fucking whore.

i hate the taste saline leaves in my mouth when it's injected into my iv.
dog's whining.
okay now..

oh yes.....
here's the important part..
MY FRIENDS HAVE SOME BAD ASS SHROOMS THEY'RE TRYIN TO SELL CAUSE THEY'RE BROKE RIGHT NOW.
THEY ARE DRIED AND ARE A HALLUCINOGENIC STRAIN FROM AUSTRAILIAN GROWN ON RICE. THEY ARE SO BADASS. I DID THEM WHILE I WAS ON VACATION. IT'S LIKE YOU'RE TRIPPIN IN 3D. THE PICTURES ARE FLOATIN AROUND YOU, NOT JUST WHATEVER YOU'RE LOOKING AT. VERY POTENT TOO. EMAIL ME IF YOU'RE INTERESTED.. THEY'RE WILLING TO SHIP. I'M GONNA TALK TO THEM ABOUT OPENING UP A PAYPAL ACCOUNT TO MAKE SHIT EASIER. IN THE MEANTIME I WILL ALSO BE CULTIVATING SHROOMS. ECUADORIAN AND KOH SAMOIA'S.

Dissipations: Read 2 or Piss On Me.